Your Example Is Louder Than Your Words
Kids Don’t Become What You Say. They Become What You Do.
I was talking to a therapist the other day.
We’d slept together the night before.
(Relax—I’m married to her.)
She told me a parent had stopped by to “check in” on how therapy was going—with their kid, not themselves.
She said this about her daughter:
“This girl is so entitled.”
I almost choked on my coffee.
Because I know this mother.
There was a rumor at one point—
Webster’s was offering to pay her to use her photo next to the word entitled in the dictionary.
Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration.
But not by much.
She’s easily one of the most entitled people I’ve ever met.
And I worked in a Christian school for five years.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Kids mirror their parents.
Kettering said it best:
“All men must remember that children will follow their example and rarely their advice.”
That’s rough.
But it’s real.
If you’ve been around kids, you’ve seen it.
A child falls—
Plop.
Immediately looks around.
What do the adults do?
If they laugh, the kid laughs.
If they panic, the kid cries.
If they act like it’s life or death,
the kid absorbs the fear and reacts accordingly.
Children reflect the people around them—
not perfectly,
but powerfully.
I’m always amazed when parents who use intensity to parent their kids are surprised—
when their kids respond with intensity.
When parents who lie are surprised that their kids lie.
When parents who lose their sh…crap on their kids and justify it—
because the kids “made them mad” are surprised when their kids
deflect responsibility for their behaviors.
If you don’t like your kid’s behaviors, you might want to look inward for the source.
It can feel overwhelming—
or freeing.
Because—
if your kid’s actions are often a reflection of your actions, there is really good news:
You completely control your own behaviors.
Alternately, nothing makes you.
You choose.
That truth?
It means you can help your kids become who you want them to be—
without losing your mind.
Model the Behaviors
You model what your kids will live.
Denying or accepting that truth has zero effect on its truth.
So, model the behaviors you want them to live.
Teaching your kids how to live is more about how you’re living.
Proper modeling involves honest examination.
I had a daughter who would constantly say, “Just stop!” when she was distressed.
I found it so annoying.
Then—one day—I was distressed, and I found myself saying, “Just stop!”
Honest examination means we have to look into our own behaviors.
Deeply.
Fiercely.
Unflinchingly.
Look first at ourselves.
Find the behavior that we don’t like in our kids in our own actions first.
Change it first.
Then guide them to change it.
Don’t twist this: I’m not saying we shouldn’t parent our kids.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t correct their behaviors.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t direct them in how to live.
But—
our words will never be more impactful than our actions.
If our behaviors contradict our words, our kids will most often follow the behaviors.
If your kid struggles with anger,
take a long, honest look at yourself.
How well do you handle anger?
Assumed Values
Larry Crabb was a psychologist and teacher
who first exposed me to the truth that kids will live out their parents’ assumed Values.
Kids just don’t care much about what we say we believe.
They’re not memorizing our lectures.
They’re breathing in our atmosphere.
They learn what matters
by watching what we chase.
What we avoid.
What makes us panic.
What we defend.
Our assumed values—
the ones we live—
shape our kids
far more than the ones we teach.
So, when we examine our lives,
we have to look for our assumed values.
When We Mess Up, Make it Right.
Do you want your kids to learn to admit they were wrong?
The most effective way to do this is to admit when you’re wrong.
When we mess up with our kids—either by contradicting something we teach them or by
just messing up—go and make it right.
I was wrong when I did ______.
I shouldn’t have done that.
Will you forgive me?
Model the behavior.
Live it out.
When you do something that contradicts what you’re teaching them?
When your behaviors are the opposite of what you want them to live?
Own it.
Call it out.
Tell them, you see it.
And then--
change the behavior
.
So may you go—
not perfect,
but present.
Not polished,
but aware.
May you have the courage
to look inward
before you lash outward.
May you model what matters.
Own what misses.
And change what needs changing.
Because the kids are watching.
They’re learning how to live—
from how you live.
And that?
That’s not a burden.
That’s a beautiful, terrifying gift.
Go in grace.
Go in grit.
And when you mess it up—
go make it right.
I believe in you.
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